jemz

I want to flail over Arashi's latest PV, Happiness.

I want to flail over w-inds. winning the Best "Student Voice" Group Award.

I want to flail over how good Jin looks and sounds on today's Shounen Club.

I want to flail over Pinky and Six Senses.

I want to flail over Hana Kimi ep. 8 and Oguri Shun.

I want to flail over Keita taking off his tank top and showing everyone at the concert shimmeredusk and akahannah went to since he's shy about his body but not his arms.



But I can't.



My beloved dog is dying and currently at the emergency vet clinic.

And all I can think of is the inevitability of death and the impending sadness. With my sister crying since early morning and all day long, I feel like I'm a horrible person for not shedding a single tear yet. Not even when she asks me why I'm not crying.

I am sad. and in shock. She's our first pet ever and my sister doted on her even though she is never home to take care of her.

I don't know what to do or say that could convey just how deeply I feel about things.

i'm back...sort of.

( Converse with the bricks that won’t respond, hold a cigarette between my black lips Lip sync to the sad songs on the radio, behind a mirror no one sees )

Ever feel like you've been wasting your life?

I sorta feel that way.


I think it's time to pick up more charity/volunteer work. I've been inactive for far too long and I feel the need to contribute to the social welfare of the world. Even if it's just my small corner of the world. My monetary contributions to the Red Cross and other organizations doesn't make me feel that I'm doing something worthwhile. My dance classes (in which I volunteer for) help just a bit but I feel antsy in a different way. Like I need to help out in some way with today's youth. I may go back to mentoring or something. Maybe when happyhien comes back, I'll check out her sister's non-profit org and help out.



I just want this feeling of uselessness to go away. Because as much as I enjoy life, I feel that I'm just wasting time in enjoying all this "me" time, despite the fact that I probably need it more than anything else given everything that has occured in the past 5 months. But I want to add a different or new dimension to my life. Too much time online and not enough dealing with life.

I've been running away from certain things, too tired to deal with it but it's getting to be time where I do need to face them and acknowledge certain things. Things that happened out of my control. Things that I can take control over and make better. Things that are done and I must move on. Things that are too hard to talk about without breaking.

But as with many breakings, I'm re-mended as a stronger person. Or so I hope. Or so I like to believe. And I want to give back. Take everything I've learned and pour it back into something that is beautiful and wonderful in all the sadness and terror. I want to give someone hope. Because I've lost hope once somewhere along the way and now that I've regained it, it's a precious thing to me. I want to make a difference and not be a body who's wiling the days away with mundane things though I think the routine of it all keeps me sane.

But since my life has been hectic lately, I feel that I can't do much. But the holiday season will be a perfect opportunity for collecting toys for kids in low-income homes, or warm clothing for the battered women's shelter scattered around here, or even spending time at a local convelescent home to make eggnog or cookies with the elderly.

So many possibilities. And I'm grateful that I am in a fairly good position in life to do so.



I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and had pinpointed the antsy feeling to this. I wonder if the day will ever come if I would say "I've had enough to give." and then be satisfied with it.


Trammie, Uyenie, Six, JillPill...we should do another family dinner soon. I miss you guys.