"I just want to deny......."

[jemz]

Grief is never pretty. Ever.

It's something so raw and soul-shattering that its repercussions lasts for years.

It lingers in me, subtley hidden under the layers and layers of my cheerful personality. The gray, seething mass that simmers until it either boils down to a small mass that's easily boxed away in a neat compartment in my head or when more tears, emotions, and ripped pieces of my heart is poured into the mix, keeping it renewed and bubbling.

Grief never goes away completely. Even though I wish with all my might that it would.



I must be super sensitive because hearing about the deaths of close friends of my siblings, people I've met, exchanged an conversation or inside joke, it pours into the simmering pot. Renewing the phatom pain. It brings to my mind the loved ones who've passed on, each and every single one, along with the memories, sadness, and pain. It hurts to see my sibs grieve. If I could do anything prevent their pain, I would. But I sit there, helplessly hugging my sister as she cries for her friend while tears of sadness roll down my cheeks.

I wonder if I'll ever be comfortable with always grieving.


Rest in peace, my friend.

Comments

[maplesyrup.livejournal.com]

Honestly, I feel horrible sometimes when I sit and (re)realize that I I'm so used to people dying around me. I've lost so many friends at young ages that I became unaffected by it years ago. And I'm only 21. =/

[swtjemz.livejournal.com]

Sometimes, I feel that way whenever I hear about people dying in far away places such as the war going on between Israel and Lebanon or people dying of AIDS and diseases in third world countries.

But I haven't lost anyone when I was younger so in that manner, I am very blessed. But it hits harder when you do experience death and grief.

Do you ever think about them when you reminisce about your youth?

[maplesyrup.livejournal.com]

I always reminisce and remember them, but I no longer feel the depression that I used to.

[sesptwd.livejournal.com]

Grief is not pretty, you're right. She's a sneaky bitch too--gets you when you're least expecting her.

*hugs*

[swtjemz.livejournal.com]

*snuggles*

[asanque.livejournal.com]

Nothing else for it but lots of these: *hugs*

[swtjemz.livejournal.com]

*snuggles*

[asanque.livejournal.com]

*hug attack* ^_^

How are you doing today?

[tracy-loo-who.livejournal.com]

I never know what to do or say when people around me cry. :| But it's good that she has someone around to hug her, I imagine it makes a world of difference.

[swtjemz.livejournal.com]

I know what you mean. Usually, when I cry, I want to be alone and just let it all out. There's something that's profoundly intimate in having another person see you cry or even hold you when you're crying.

I know my sister is a private person and she doesn't do the touchy feely person (sort of like my parents) and hugging her just made me feel like I was sharing in the experience, helping her bear the burden by offering that silent comfort instead of standing about uselessly and watching her cry.

[rightsock.livejournal.com]

Sadly, even with "experience" it never gets any easier. The only thing that gets easier is the ability to keep going on with your life, with your work, and not be completely paralyzed by it.

I also have had a sheltered childhood; never lost anyone close to me. no friends, no immediate family members. closest I can say is a dearly beloved pet. The memories still come, but only time can soften the sting.

The best thing you can do for someone is to make sure they still cover the basics for themselves: food, water, shelter, getting out for some fresh air. Making sure you're there for them, making sure they keep on living.

[swtjemz.livejournal.com]

Yeah...It's a bit hard with the first death but it sort of hits the same way with each consecutive one. I believe this is her fourth friend who've passed away in as many years. She's hating her avg at the moment and I don't blame her.

*snuggles*

[mooncharm.livejournal.com]

oh honey. *loves and loves and cuddles*

♥♥♥

[swtjemz.livejournal.com]

*clings and snuggles and buries face against neck under the blankies*

♥ ♥ ♥ you too!

[mooncharm.livejournal.com]

your icon makes me happy. not as happy as the snuggles, though.

*kisses*

[etoilenoir959.livejournal.com]

*hug* I'm sorry you're going through this right now. But on the other side, it makes up appreciate more of what we have and reminds us to treasure everything.

[swtjemz.livejournal.com]

*snuggles* Bad things always does that to me. I appreciate things so much more. I sat outside in the shade and just stared at the stars last night, appreciating the fact that I could do that.