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Jun. 1st, 2003 12:21 amI'm sitting here in bed and i'm just thinking and feeling. i was totally crying earlier. it was wierd. i felt this emotion well up out of me and the tears just started flowing. I'm sitting here stunned. what happened to me?
i felt like i was punched for the first time. i was thinking about my dad. Talking about him, actually to a very good friend. and i just started crying. i guess all the emotions i repressed at the beginning of this situation just bursted out of me. i couldn't hold back anymore. i leaked tears. it made me feel that everything was very new and still extremely raw. i couldn't turn without hurting. without feeling depressed. without feeling scared. all those emotions came crashing on me as i struggled to face them. and i lost. i couldn't hold them back. they came flooding out of me, forcing me to admit that i've been repressing everything the past few days.
i don't want people to find out and then pity me or make me feel obligated to tell them about the entire story. it's still too new and painful to talk about. and if you know me, you know that i always talk about my problems as a way to get stress out. but to people who don't me that well...i don't want to reveal this side of me and my family. with my close friends and my cousins, it's okay becuz i need their strength and support to be strong. but to everyone else, i don't want them to know. they don't need to know.
i'm more closed now. i don't want to share details. i especially don't want to share my tears. my tears are my own. they force me to examine my feelings about a situation, and that's something that can't be shared with anyone...even tho i'm trying on this journal entry. i don't know if you understand or not...but this is how i'm expressing it. i don't even know if i'm making sense at the moment. i know i'm not making sense to myself. i'm too emotional to do so. all this emotion is leaking out of my pores and i have no control over it and i can't stop it.
all i can do is just feel. and i pray that the Lord will help me through this emotional onslaught.
i felt like i was punched for the first time. i was thinking about my dad. Talking about him, actually to a very good friend. and i just started crying. i guess all the emotions i repressed at the beginning of this situation just bursted out of me. i couldn't hold back anymore. i leaked tears. it made me feel that everything was very new and still extremely raw. i couldn't turn without hurting. without feeling depressed. without feeling scared. all those emotions came crashing on me as i struggled to face them. and i lost. i couldn't hold them back. they came flooding out of me, forcing me to admit that i've been repressing everything the past few days.
i don't want people to find out and then pity me or make me feel obligated to tell them about the entire story. it's still too new and painful to talk about. and if you know me, you know that i always talk about my problems as a way to get stress out. but to people who don't me that well...i don't want to reveal this side of me and my family. with my close friends and my cousins, it's okay becuz i need their strength and support to be strong. but to everyone else, i don't want them to know. they don't need to know.
i'm more closed now. i don't want to share details. i especially don't want to share my tears. my tears are my own. they force me to examine my feelings about a situation, and that's something that can't be shared with anyone...even tho i'm trying on this journal entry. i don't know if you understand or not...but this is how i'm expressing it. i don't even know if i'm making sense at the moment. i know i'm not making sense to myself. i'm too emotional to do so. all this emotion is leaking out of my pores and i have no control over it and i can't stop it.
all i can do is just feel. and i pray that the Lord will help me through this emotional onslaught.
