unsettling dream
Jun. 7th, 2005 07:24 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jemzI took a nap yesterday, only to find it extremely difficult to wake up and work on a project. I ended up waking at 6am this morning. 11 hours of sleep left me groggy and unsettled. and caused me to write this blurb out.
i don't know how good it is or if it made sense, but it left me a bit of peacefulness in writing it.
i don't know if i'm being weird or stupid or even utterly ignorable but i can't help but feel a tad anti-social in RL...moreso lately than before...and i don't want to be left alone with my thoughts.
i don't know if i want to continue sleeping to escape reality or bitch-slap myself and tell myself to deal with the problems and move on. to be a big girl and grow up a bit more and move on. i don't know what to do. help?
so many thoughts scrambling around. twisting and turning, whispers of doubt and anxiety insinuate themselves to memories thought to be real. now unsure of everything, the light hurts too much to bask in and the darkness is too empty to be enveloped, the varying shades of gray is where I exist. what is right, what is wrong, what happened, what didn't. the shades are all there, twisting and turning through my mind. thin tendrils of thought wisped away, carrying with it my sure knowledge of myself. how I can regain what I've lost is now lost knowledge to me.
soft swirls of clouds surround me, making me remember painful memories of times happiness, sadness, anger, joy, desolation, and content. forcing me to relive and rediscover those painful memories thought to be long buried under the working psyche of my soul.
slowly, oblivion encroaches over my gray space, beckoning and teasing, offering me a safe haven while my thoughts and emotions twist themselves to force me to stay and suffer and live. the temptation for a piece of quiet and absolutely nothing is teasing me. a desire so great wells up unexpectedly from deep inside my soul and reaches out to grasp that tendril of oblivion that peace exist. I reach and twist to touch, only to fall with my ineptness to handle the fracturing of my soul.
and I continue to fall.
i don't know how good it is or if it made sense, but it left me a bit of peacefulness in writing it.
i don't know if i'm being weird or stupid or even utterly ignorable but i can't help but feel a tad anti-social in RL...moreso lately than before...and i don't want to be left alone with my thoughts.
i don't know if i want to continue sleeping to escape reality or bitch-slap myself and tell myself to deal with the problems and move on. to be a big girl and grow up a bit more and move on. i don't know what to do. help?
so many thoughts scrambling around. twisting and turning, whispers of doubt and anxiety insinuate themselves to memories thought to be real. now unsure of everything, the light hurts too much to bask in and the darkness is too empty to be enveloped, the varying shades of gray is where I exist. what is right, what is wrong, what happened, what didn't. the shades are all there, twisting and turning through my mind. thin tendrils of thought wisped away, carrying with it my sure knowledge of myself. how I can regain what I've lost is now lost knowledge to me.
soft swirls of clouds surround me, making me remember painful memories of times happiness, sadness, anger, joy, desolation, and content. forcing me to relive and rediscover those painful memories thought to be long buried under the working psyche of my soul.
slowly, oblivion encroaches over my gray space, beckoning and teasing, offering me a safe haven while my thoughts and emotions twist themselves to force me to stay and suffer and live. the temptation for a piece of quiet and absolutely nothing is teasing me. a desire so great wells up unexpectedly from deep inside my soul and reaches out to grasp that tendril of oblivion that peace exist. I reach and twist to touch, only to fall with my ineptness to handle the fracturing of my soul.
and I continue to fall.
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Re: Deep Thoughts
Date: 2005-06-07 10:50 pm (UTC)Her attempt didn't work. She spent a month in ICU, but she also my relatives an interesting insight into suicide that I'll share with you now: the people who do that aren't in their right minds. It's a sickness. It's a disease. I think, in a lot of ways, it''s like any other could-be terminal illness. Some people succumb to it. Some don't.
My aunt said she doesn't even remember trying to kill herself. She kept saying it was almost like she WASN'T herself and when she woke up in the hospital, she had no idea what had happened.
I doubt your friend, in her right mind, thought suicide was the way, either. But, those thoughts and the actions that follow are an illness. It's hard to blame the person for their actions in that state of mind. It's hard to blame anyone else, either, because, in reality, it's no one's fault.
*hug* Again, hope that helps...
Re: Deep Thoughts
Date: 2005-06-07 10:55 pm (UTC)it does help. in a way. I can see where i could feel better about not being able to help at all.
i think, i just hate the fact that she succumbed to it. I think that fact hurts the most. even if she wasn't thinking clearly or if she used a very old and brutal way of dying.
*huggles* i think i'm going to watch something extremely happy when i get home from work. something fluffy.