unsettling dream

[jemz]

I took a nap yesterday, only to find it extremely difficult to wake up and work on a project. I ended up waking at 6am this morning. 11 hours of sleep left me groggy and unsettled. and caused me to write this blurb out.

i don't know how good it is or if it made sense, but it left me a bit of peacefulness in writing it.

i don't know if i'm being weird or stupid or even utterly ignorable but i can't help but feel a tad anti-social in RL...moreso lately than before...and i don't want to be left alone with my thoughts.

i don't know if i want to continue sleeping to escape reality or bitch-slap myself and tell myself to deal with the problems and move on. to be a big girl and grow up a bit more and move on. i don't know what to do. help?



so many thoughts scrambling around. twisting and turning, whispers of doubt and anxiety insinuate themselves to memories thought to be real. now unsure of everything, the light hurts too much to bask in and the darkness is too empty to be enveloped, the varying shades of gray is where I exist. what is right, what is wrong, what happened, what didn't. the shades are all there, twisting and turning through my mind. thin tendrils of thought wisped away, carrying with it my sure knowledge of myself. how I can regain what I've lost is now lost knowledge to me.

soft swirls of clouds surround me, making me remember painful memories of times happiness, sadness, anger, joy, desolation, and content. forcing me to relive and rediscover those painful memories thought to be long buried under the working psyche of my soul.

slowly, oblivion encroaches over my gray space, beckoning and teasing, offering me a safe haven while my thoughts and emotions twist themselves to force me to stay and suffer and live. the temptation for a piece of quiet and absolutely nothing is teasing me. a desire so great wells up unexpectedly from deep inside my soul and reaches out to grasp that tendril of oblivion that peace exist. I reach and twist to touch, only to fall with my ineptness to handle the fracturing of my soul.

and I continue to fall.

Comments

[divinereverie.livejournal.com]

DRIVE BY SPANKING SPAM! *spanks* ♥!

[swtjemz.livejournal.com]

*loves*

[sesptwd.livejournal.com]

*HUGGING YOU AND NOT LETTING GO*

Very soon, I will have something to cheer you up, if only temporary.


*LOVE*

[swtjemz.livejournal.com]

*clings*

yay. happy stuff is good. very very good.

last nite i was watching something and i just bawled my eyes out. i watched it over and over and over again, thinking, why does Karupin follow Ryoma to schooooooool!?!?!? and how adorable Ryoma is for panicking over a missing Karupin. soo cute!!! *bawls*

[sesptwd.livejournal.com]

um...huh?

[swtjemz.livejournal.com]

lol. i was watching Prince of Tennis on my laptop after i woke up from my nap. I fell asleep during that episode.

=-P i forgot you've never seen Prince of Tennis.

[balfrog.livejournal.com]

Also, summer... heat makes me moody.
I avoid my friends every third day. Have a mini-meltdown over work every other week.

We should get a nice outfit for this.

[swtjemz.livejournal.com]

heh. we should. and make it all black and moody.

[balfrog.livejournal.com]

Yeah, dress up will make things better. I have to get a really nice dark lipstick for that.

[swtjemz.livejournal.com]

oooh. pretty. and i have dark blue nail polish. *grins*

[cmere.livejournal.com]

*clings* Nothing wrong with a bit of antisocialness from time to time. I love you honey. ♥

[swtjemz.livejournal.com]

*clings back*

hmm....i don't want to be anti-social. i want to mingle with world. but i find myself unable to.

sucky.

i love you too. *snuggles*

[dramaphile.livejournal.com]

I'm generally a proponent of the "get off your ass and do something" school of thought, because I always feel better when I'm doing things rather than moping about. And sleeping never really seems to help. Always just makes me more tired and makes me want to mope more.

But don't feel like you have to be social if you don't want to. Even just going out and shopping by yourself or taking a walk or running errands can be very theraputic.

Of course, I also find writing pron to be a happy thing. ;)

[swtjemz.livejournal.com]

hehe...sleeping thing helped when i needed the sleep. been staying awake, tossing and turning over my friend's death.

but i will definately do something about it. i'm like that anyways. I let myself wallow in depression only for so long before doing something about it.

and yes, pr0n is good. will be writing some tonite. hopefully.

Deep Thoughts

[reportergirlj.livejournal.com]

You know, if there's one thing I've learned in life, it's to hold on for just a second longer when you really think you're ready to let go.

That may sound corny, but it's true. The big test in life all centers around being able to pull yourself up, take a deep breath, and find hope in a world that too often beats you -- and everyone you meet -- down.

I think holding that extra second longer is where we find hope. And hope is really a miracle, I think. I've met people who have been burned so many times that are still willing to trust people. There's a miracle. Life is probably full of the small miracles, if we look around.

So, I guess, after all this incoherent rambling, my advice to you would be to keep holding on, to make yourself try one more time, even when you don't want to, and, of course, to find hope inside yourself.

You'll be surprised what you see in life when you do.

Also, sometimes, I think we're all very short-sighted. A friend of mine compared life to a scarf once. We can only see the knots, tangles and mismatching colors that are our own life. If we could step back for a second and see the bigger picture, we'd see how haphazardly beautiful the whole mess is. Then, it would be easy to have faith and hope.

I like to think that's true. Keep in mind that this particular friend is addicted to knitting.

I hope this helps, even a little. It made sense to me, anyways. :) *hug*

--Jen

Re: Deep Thoughts

[swtjemz.livejournal.com]

*huggles*

thanks for the wonderful words. I really do believe in holding on. I think that it's always more worthwhile to hold on a little longer.

My depression was making me dream and write all that out. it was sort of cathartic when I think about it. As soon as I finish grieving for my friend, then I'll be able to move on. Right now, the depression is just lingering because the way she passed caused many, many painful memories to re-surface.

I think my pain only comes to out whenever I receive painful news. Especially when it's the death of someone you know, whether close or not. I'm still hurting/grieving and I know that I have so much to be thankful about but I'm just so angry and sad over her death. It's not something that I deal well with. If it was an accident, I could say that it was a tragic accident or a horrible thing to have happened. When it's a suicide, I have no words to resolve it in my mind because I don't think suicide is the way. I totally believe in living life even when life is at its blackest point because something good will happen if you maintain a sliver of hope.

I ramble yet again and you totally made sense to me. *huggles*

and i want to learn how to knit. i want a make a Ravenclaw scarf.

Re: Deep Thoughts

[reportergirlj.livejournal.com]

In the past year, my poor aunt has tired to kill herself using the very effective method of slicing her wrists and thighs, taking 90 pain pills and awaiting death in a below-freezing field.

Her attempt didn't work. She spent a month in ICU, but she also my relatives an interesting insight into suicide that I'll share with you now: the people who do that aren't in their right minds. It's a sickness. It's a disease. I think, in a lot of ways, it''s like any other could-be terminal illness. Some people succumb to it. Some don't.

My aunt said she doesn't even remember trying to kill herself. She kept saying it was almost like she WASN'T herself and when she woke up in the hospital, she had no idea what had happened.

I doubt your friend, in her right mind, thought suicide was the way, either. But, those thoughts and the actions that follow are an illness. It's hard to blame the person for their actions in that state of mind. It's hard to blame anyone else, either, because, in reality, it's no one's fault.

*hug* Again, hope that helps...

Re: Deep Thoughts

[swtjemz.livejournal.com]

*huggles*

it does help. in a way. I can see where i could feel better about not being able to help at all.

i think, i just hate the fact that she succumbed to it. I think that fact hurts the most. even if she wasn't thinking clearly or if she used a very old and brutal way of dying.

*huggles* i think i'm going to watch something extremely happy when i get home from work. something fluffy.

[pocketroxy.livejournal.com]

Hey, I wanted to thank you for taking over modding Glorious Fade for the time being. I hope you aren't feeling too bad about your Blond moment. It seems like I have them all the time on LJ (and try not to cringe when I think of them)! Great job so far, thanks again.

[swtjemz.livejournal.com]

^____^ thank you for the wonderful moments.

yeah... i have many blonde moments. and i was extra sniffley with Harry's latest letter to Draco.

*huggles*

[-delectation.livejournal.com]

I think there is a general feeling of malaise going round. It always seems to go hand and hand with the first true weeks of heat.

*hugs*

[swtjemz.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

thanks. yeah. i've been seeing it around for the past few weeks until it came by and bit me hard on the ass. bleh.

and I hate feeling blue. it sux0rs.

*huggles*

[allara.livejournal.com]

:-\ I know what it's like to be confused LEIK WOAH! My advice would be to write it out, but it looks like you've already done that =P Maybe you can try a freewrite and just let things flow, not caring about what train of thought your following or what thread of consciousness you're trying to untangle. Just let it all out, with just a piece of paper and a pen. *hug* hang in there, sweetie.

[swtjemz.livejournal.com]

yes...free writing is fun. what i wrote is all a stream of consciousness until i couldn't bear to remember the dream.

but tonite shall be better! ^__^

*huggles*

[allara.livejournal.com]

:) *cuddle*

[closet-bound.livejournal.com]

*hugs and just keeps hugging*

i have this strange desire to start telling knock knock jokes. not that they are actually funny or anything, but for some reason the rediculous lack of humor in them seems to make people laugh.

unfortunately, i suck at knock knock jokes. i never remember the punch lines. i once spent nealy half an hour telling the orange one because i couldn't remember the end. yeah, it stops even getting sypathy laughs after about the sixth 'orange who?' (yeah, my brother did explain to me later that orange was supposed to be the punch line, not the starting line. that might have had something to do with the problem.)

so, orange you glad i'm not going to try to tell knock knock jokes?

[swtjemz.livejournal.com]

*clings tightly*

hehe...i like knock jokes. they make me smile with the silliness of it all. esp. the Orange one.

*snuggles* i feel much better this afternoon.

[closet-bound.livejournal.com]

i'm so glad:) *snuggles and gives you tea* just because tea is a nice thing to have while snuggling...also a blanket and a nearby window to use for either people watching or weather watching:)

heh...everyone seems to laugh at them. i would just love to manage to get through one without screwing it up:)

[goldie.livejournal.com]

*gives the huggleholic huge hugs*

I know where you're at darling. And if I wasn't rushing off to work, I'd write more, but just know I love you, and that it doesn't matter if you're being antisocial. Us extroverts need our down time badly when we need it. Take your time and I'll always been here ♥