baaa, I say. BAAA!
Oct. 19th, 2005 11:47 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jemzI've always hated the paranoia meme. But I'm going to do it just so I can relieve some pressure. Not all the things are directed to those I know online.
1. I wish things were better for you. It kills me inside that shit just keeps happening to you and I cry when I learn about what's been happening to you. I wish I was able to be there and help you through the hard times, to hold your hand and smile with you when those little successes occur.
2. I wish you would stop telling me certain things that just discourages me from believing in myself. I want to believe and feel utterly secure in knowing who I am but then you come along and affect me so deeply that I doubt myself. And it hurts. Because a good part of who I am is all because of you.
3. FUCK OFF. Leave me the fuck alone. I want to get over the shit you've put me through. I want to not be paranoid of certain things, to not look over my shoulder, to not freak out over things to the point where I cry for hours, to not care about anything you do. Because every time I think I can move on with my life and be happy, you come back to fuck shit up. And you know what? I don't care about you. I don't want anything to do with you. I won't let you haunt me any longer.
4. I cried for hours when you left. I don't know why you did what you did but after everything that happened, I could only speculate. And everything I could ever come up with isn't even close to the truth and will remain a mystery to me. I tried the best I could, only to feel that anything I could do was not enough for you. I am deeply saddened that you couldn't find what you needed from others and that you were the only one who felt that you could not help yourself.
5. That tension there, I hate it. I want things to return to a more aimable air and everything to be okay.
6. You know, it really hurts when you don't even take the time to know me. To really understand what makes me tick. I've given you all these hints and opportunities do so but you ignore them. Then, out of the blue, you make me feel special for a brief moment in time. After that, it's back to ignoring me, like I'm some fading fad and everyone out there is more interesting than I could ever to be.
7. Damn you. You gave me this fear that I don't think I could ever conquer. I had nightmares for months afterwards.
8. You. You make me cry and I hate it.
And because I can't spew out that much negativity without balancing myself with some positive vibes, the love letter is below. Some will apply to many, others are specific. ^_^
♥ I think you're a wonderful person, inside and out. You're so strong and courageous. I love the fact that you talk about some of your fears. It just makes you seem even stronger.
♥ You make me smile whenever I see your name on my f-list.
♥ I wish you would come back and return my calls. Because I miss you. I hope you are doing okay.
♥ Did I ever tell you that you make me happy? With all the quirks and just your personality, you just make me smile with glee. Every time I'm upset and I talk to you, my world seems just a bit brighter and things don't seem as bad as I thought.
♥ We're family. I will always love you, no matter what happens.
♥ Mmmmmm. CHEESE. WINE.
♥ We don't see each other often enough and I get sad over that.
♥ I miss you. I miss our lovely talks and wish that the pesky time zone difference was smaller so I can call you.
♥ I only know you on El Jay and I think you are remarkably self-possessed for your age. I know I was stupid at that age. I'm in awe of your maturity.
♥ Hi. *humps* Is there any other word needed to show how much I enjoy our friendship?
♥ You are a vile enabler. And I love you regardless of that. *ignores new addiction*
♥ I hope you are having the time of your life. Please send me an email to let me know how you are doing. I worry about you because you're a close friend. And, dood, don't forget to send me my postcards. I want to see the world through your eyes as you travel and see the wonderful sights.
♥ RL meetings aren't all that bad. I've always had some fairly good luck with them.
♥ I'm sad that life dealt you this blow. Know that I'm here for you should you ever need to vent.
♥ I'm thankful and blessed to know you. To have the opportunity to get to know you. Because you enrich my life in ways I could never imagine.
*huggles*,
jemz
*snuggles to flist* I think it's time for bed for this post took way to long to do.
1. I wish things were better for you. It kills me inside that shit just keeps happening to you and I cry when I learn about what's been happening to you. I wish I was able to be there and help you through the hard times, to hold your hand and smile with you when those little successes occur.
2. I wish you would stop telling me certain things that just discourages me from believing in myself. I want to believe and feel utterly secure in knowing who I am but then you come along and affect me so deeply that I doubt myself. And it hurts. Because a good part of who I am is all because of you.
3. FUCK OFF. Leave me the fuck alone. I want to get over the shit you've put me through. I want to not be paranoid of certain things, to not look over my shoulder, to not freak out over things to the point where I cry for hours, to not care about anything you do. Because every time I think I can move on with my life and be happy, you come back to fuck shit up. And you know what? I don't care about you. I don't want anything to do with you. I won't let you haunt me any longer.
4. I cried for hours when you left. I don't know why you did what you did but after everything that happened, I could only speculate. And everything I could ever come up with isn't even close to the truth and will remain a mystery to me. I tried the best I could, only to feel that anything I could do was not enough for you. I am deeply saddened that you couldn't find what you needed from others and that you were the only one who felt that you could not help yourself.
5. That tension there, I hate it. I want things to return to a more aimable air and everything to be okay.
6. You know, it really hurts when you don't even take the time to know me. To really understand what makes me tick. I've given you all these hints and opportunities do so but you ignore them. Then, out of the blue, you make me feel special for a brief moment in time. After that, it's back to ignoring me, like I'm some fading fad and everyone out there is more interesting than I could ever to be.
7. Damn you. You gave me this fear that I don't think I could ever conquer. I had nightmares for months afterwards.
8. You. You make me cry and I hate it.
And because I can't spew out that much negativity without balancing myself with some positive vibes, the love letter is below. Some will apply to many, others are specific. ^_^
♥ I think you're a wonderful person, inside and out. You're so strong and courageous. I love the fact that you talk about some of your fears. It just makes you seem even stronger.
♥ You make me smile whenever I see your name on my f-list.
♥ I wish you would come back and return my calls. Because I miss you. I hope you are doing okay.
♥ Did I ever tell you that you make me happy? With all the quirks and just your personality, you just make me smile with glee. Every time I'm upset and I talk to you, my world seems just a bit brighter and things don't seem as bad as I thought.
♥ We're family. I will always love you, no matter what happens.
♥ Mmmmmm. CHEESE. WINE.
♥ We don't see each other often enough and I get sad over that.
♥ I miss you. I miss our lovely talks and wish that the pesky time zone difference was smaller so I can call you.
♥ I only know you on El Jay and I think you are remarkably self-possessed for your age. I know I was stupid at that age. I'm in awe of your maturity.
♥ Hi. *humps* Is there any other word needed to show how much I enjoy our friendship?
♥ You are a vile enabler. And I love you regardless of that. *ignores new addiction*
♥ I hope you are having the time of your life. Please send me an email to let me know how you are doing. I worry about you because you're a close friend. And, dood, don't forget to send me my postcards. I want to see the world through your eyes as you travel and see the wonderful sights.
♥ RL meetings aren't all that bad. I've always had some fairly good luck with them.
♥ I'm sad that life dealt you this blow. Know that I'm here for you should you ever need to vent.
♥ I'm thankful and blessed to know you. To have the opportunity to get to know you. Because you enrich my life in ways I could never imagine.
*huggles*,
jemz
*snuggles to flist* I think it's time for bed for this post took way to long to do.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2005-10-20 07:17 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-20 05:24 pm (UTC)Maybe. Maybe not.
*winks flirtatiously*
no subject
Date: 2005-10-20 08:40 am (UTC)I'm horribly scared that I might be #8, though I really, really, really hope not!! (I'm paranoid, what can I say?!)
And hoping I'm the 10th one on the other one. :) *humps*
no subject
Date: 2005-10-20 05:25 pm (UTC);-) Definately on my love letter, though. *smoochies*
*humps back*
no subject
Date: 2005-10-20 06:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-20 09:22 pm (UTC)I love knowing you...even though we don't talk as much anymore. *smoochies*
no subject
Date: 2005-10-20 10:10 pm (UTC)That's the SA report. I want the Jemz report now. :)
no subject
Date: 2005-10-20 06:54 pm (UTC)*loves*
no subject
Date: 2005-10-20 09:23 pm (UTC)But the love letters are all for my lovely ones online. *smoochies*
no subject
Date: 2005-10-20 08:45 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-20 05:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-20 04:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-20 05:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-20 11:43 pm (UTC)*hugs*
I love how even though some things seem pretty crappy to you, you still want to balance out negative with some positive.
I think you are incredibly strong and an amazing person.
no subject
Date: 2005-10-21 12:34 am (UTC)*LOVES*
You are a total sweetheart. *coughs*yourenumberoneonthesecondpart*coughs*
no subject
Date: 2005-10-21 11:10 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-21 12:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-21 12:36 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-21 02:41 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-21 11:33 pm (UTC)and the second one is all directed to everyone on my flist and then some.
♥
no subject
Date: 2005-10-21 07:04 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-21 11:35 pm (UTC)*snuggles you*
no subject
Date: 2005-10-21 08:13 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-21 11:37 pm (UTC)No...#6 isn't you but the second list is. ♥ ♥ ♥